Maybe I Already Know

There are times when I can spend an astonishing amount of energy trying to figure something out. What should I do? Is this really important? Should I say yes? Should I wait? What if I’m wrong? What will happen if I do this?

So I think about it some more. Maybe I talk with a friend. I read something. I make a mental list of reasons for and against. I imagine several possible outcomes, including a few that probably have no chance of happening. And still, I don’t know. Or at least I don’t think I do.

The funny thing is that sometimes, underneath all that thinking, there is something I already know. Not the answer to everything. Not how it’s going to turn out. Not whether I’ll be glad six months from now that I made the choice I did.

Maybe what I know is simply what matters to me right now. I want to call. I care about this. I’d like to go. I miss that person. I’m curious. This matters to me.

None of those answers tells me what will happen next. But maybe knowing what matters is enough to begin.

We tend to give a lot of respect to certainty. We like knowing where something is going, how it’s going to work, and what will happen if we choose one direction instead of another. There’s comfort in having enough information to feel sure.

Unfortunately, life doesn’t seem particularly interested in providing that much information. Most of the time, we’re making choices while something is still unknown.

We begin friendships without knowing what they’ll become. We take on something new without knowing whether we’ll be good at it. We reach out to someone without knowing how they’ll respond. We try something because we’re curious, even though we can’t explain exactly why it matters. And maybe we don’t have to.

I’ve been wondering whether clarity sometimes gets confused with certainty. Maybe clarity doesn’t mean having everything figured out. Maybe it means knowing enough for now.

Enough to make the call. Enough to show up. Enough to try. Enough to say yes. Or sometimes, enough to say no.

There may still be questions. There may still be uncertainty. We may change our minds tomorrow because we learn something we didn’t know today. That’s not failure. That’s just tomorrow.

So maybe the question for today is simpler. Not what should I know. Not what does somebody else think I should do. Not what choice guarantees the outcome I want. Just: What do I already know?

Maybe the answer is surprisingly ordinary. I care about this person. I want to be part of this. Something about this doesn’t feel right. I’d like to see what happens. This matters to me.

None of those tells us how the story ends. But perhaps we don’t need the ending yet. Maybe we only need enough clarity for the part we’re living now.

I don’t know how this turns out. I may not even know what comes after this.

Maybe I don’t need to.

Maybe I already know enough for now.

A Quiet Question

What do I already know?